JUDGES
VERDICT ON |
Adrian Avery Sean
Cairney Steve Clifford Paul Galloway Jason Lee Martin Lewis Paul Matthews Andy
Widdowson Stewart Wilson |
Darren Phillips
Steve Jenkins Dave Timms Lea Bluck Sean Wilcock Pete Williams
Dave
Goodall |
| It seems incredible that nearly 12 months has passed and once again the City Old Boys Golf Society needed keeping in check by the legal fraternity. This time the Southport PD were on full alert. |
| At Formby Hall on day one, I had the "pleasure" of playing with the "Red Flash" or Adrian Avery to his 5 Star bus station buddies. His first golfing misdemeanour was to follow up a perfectly executed jack's eye drive by topping a 9 iron into a Mallard invested lake, only to turn around and cast blame aspersions on the Judge himself. Outrageous. His second golfing misdemeanour was to not only fill out the appropriate scorecard, but to swell his already bulging array of train numbers that trundled down the line next to Hillside Golf Club. His third golfing moment of note was to miss a vital 3-pointer 2" putt with the sacred yellow ball, a putt that Hollie Ave herself would have nailed. Off the course, Ade was pulled up for a host of impropriatories including refusing to drink a pot of garlic sauce kindly donated by Wilse, falling asleep in the pub (again), taking Karaoke too seriously and a repeat performance witnessed at all previous tour's, that of photo hogging during the daily winners presentation ceremonies. Sadly, Adrian considered himself to be far too important to join in with the Tour Dance Company rendition of Singing in the Rain. Perhaps the next tour might bring the bench to enforce a solo performance? |
Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Sean Cairney (aka
Cairnes) sporting his nature induced number 1 hairstyle, made the
unbelievable a reality. He actually completed two rounds of golf
with the same golf ball. A feat that only a handful of car insurance
salesman could ever dream about. He did redeem himself by failing to
reach the Ladies tee on two occasions. However, Mr Cairney upset the
bench mainly in his social capacity. He unleashed a volley of silent
but deadly farts right next to a group of innocent, unassuming locals that
had them running for the door quicker that Ade Avery would sprint to the
kebab shop. He followed this up by the all time tour rule breaking
act of being discovered drinking halves in the pub.
Judge's Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Jet setter with the
stars Mr Steve Clifford (aka Cliffy) pleased the bench by
managing to break a tour all time record by executing the shortest chip
ever seen, 0.7 metres straight into the bunker. Acts of gross
petulance were punished, particularly after Edge missed that previously
discussed monster 2" putt. That was the least of Cliffy's
worries following a beer-induced confession that he was the new Tenko
(bridesmaid) and further admissions that he was not in the same beer
drinking league as Paffer. Shameful.
Judge's Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
|
Gentle giant Paul Galloway (aka Gallers) put himself in mortal danger with the single members of our tour party by getting engaged just one week after meeting his bird, Jayne. However, his behaviour this year was a complete contrast to the singles ad reading depressant seen in Bude. On the course, Gallers found himself in the dock for having a piss on the course without sitting down, losing the sacred yellow ball on yellow day, further reports of penoid exposure on the course at Ormskirk and missing eight putts of 12" or less at Hillside. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Casual walker and
Big Brother's Jason look-alike Jason Lee (aka Badger)
once again displayed
moments of road rage and temper tantrums, memory reminds of a Bude repeat
performance by this would-be Schumacher. Following on the motoring
theme, Badger was fined for gross promotion of global warming by going
home almost every night. This also reduced his beer intake
preventing the Ex-Hereford engine roomer from making beer-induced
offences, making Badger once again a slippery customer to cash in on the
dock. He did however get called to the dock for teeing off from the
wrong tee at Hillside, and then tried to keep it a secret, plus, was also
reprimanded for green abuse.
Judge's Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| City Old Boys
answer to Austin Powers, Paul Matthews (aka Paffer)
seemed to be in a golf club abusing mood for the duration of the
tour. This plucky "swinger" was cautioned for throwing his
driver at Hillside and Ormskirk, followed by a stern telling off for
burying his putter into a Hillside green. Paffer, like Edge did not
feel obliged to join in tour activities highlighted by his reluctance to
croon the karaoke. Once again the Judge may demand a solo virtuoso
performance during the 2005 tour. Paffer's major offence of the week
was to break another tour rule, by having an early night on Wednesday
night. Mind you, some need beauty sleep more than others!
Judge's Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Serial smiler Darren Phillips
(aka
Big D) showed his petulant side right from the off when he lost
a wrestling match to sit in the front seat of the car with Davey G in the
streets of Worcester. Not perturbed, "boom boom" proceeded
to vex the bench with a host of posterial shenanigans. He ran a
series of hit and run public moons followed up with violent, audible
bottom burp outbursts that had Cairnes scrambling for egg sandwiches,
baked beans and sprouts to ensure the legendary "king of the
farts" title remained in the Norton Parish. Dazzer's on course
charges were of a more serious nature. He lost Timsy's scorecard,
plus smashed the yellow ball lost and out of bounds off the first tee at
Ormskirk. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Following a 2004
golfing holiday with his real mates, for Simon Gadd (aka Gaddy)
this proved to be a "honky tonk" tour for the returning West
Country wizard. He was hauled over the coals for honking on the
course and out of his bedroom window after lengthy drinking sessions with
the prolific Wilse and Paffer combo. This in conjunction with the
constant late arrival for breakfast, looking worse than the judge in the
morning (and that really takes some effort) and on a more serious note,
consistent early nightery. It was brought to the attention of the
bench that it was Gaddy behind the covert handicap criticisms on the web
site that forced the heavy hand of the law to fall upon him. His karaoke
performance was far from memorable which sounded more like a Wurzel on
crack. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Fresh form the
Somerset dwarf throwing championships, Steve Jenkins (aka Paddy)
gave the bench it's 100% banker by displaying random involuntary gurning
from the off. The illegible Bristolian then proceeded to appear to
take the whole golf tour too seriously, which has displeased the
bench. He was caught drinking orange juice after midnight, totally
failed to wake up in a skip, won the day at Hillside but he did have his
moments. He managed to putt his ball from the green into a bunker at
the 10th at Hillside, managed several beer spillages to soil his unique
choice of obscure T-shirts and did think that the tour was a family holiday.
Unfortunately, Paddy was another non-participator in a Karaoke kind of
way. Beware! Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Serial Scotland
fines moaner Dave Timms (aka Timmsy, aka Ex-TNT Timsy)
became the first winner of the 2004 tour. He literally cake walked
the "put most weight on since Bude" prize a country mile.
Unperturbed by this, cuddly Dave opened up his 2004 tour challenge by
failing to reach the ladies tee off the first at Formby Hall. He
also managed to reproduce this achievement the following day at
Hillside. The bench did however become irritated at Tubby Timmsy's
incessant questioning of the handicapping system adopted by the committee,
which cost him dear. Other cautions were picked up for non
participation in yellow ball day, losing his card at Ormskirk, shooting
the lowest score ever on tour (5 points) and managing to 5 putt from 10
feet at Hillside. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Foolishly, perky
postie Andy Widdowson (aka Andy Widd) decided to travel up
early to Southport, but this lead an extended session with the Society
beer monsters, taking on board a variety of swamp based drinks.
Predictably, Widd failed to eat his full English the following
morning. Audible groans of "never again" resonated around
the breakfast room. If only the Ferret was there to look out for
him. However, Widd was soon in the good books of the bench following
a heated exchange with Edge, discussing the legendary fight between
Francis Lee and Norman Hunter at the Baseball Ground. As Widd
described how Franny pulverised the Yorkshire lout, droplets of tears were
clearly visible in the eyes of the rotund Nortonite. Andrew was also
severely reprimanded when he gave up his chief snitch vocation to Cliffy
and Paffer without consulting the bench. Mr Widdowson will have to
display exceptional acts of snitchism during the next tour to win his post
back. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Chirpy debutant Lea
Bluck (aka Blucky, aka Puppy) proved to be a valuable
new member of the Tour Society. Adopting the puppy role after
considerable Paffer and Wilse bullying, Blucky showed good use of basic
training by scooping up Andy Widd's unwanted breakfast on the first morning.
But soon displeased the bench when he accused the Judge of wearing a
non-English speaking T-shirt. Unlucky Blucky however was the only
tour party member to be boo'ed off the Kareoke stage, not just by tour
party members but the general public. It was so bad that it made
Gaddy sound harmonious. Lea did have trouble necking his debutant
"on the head pint" giving him a medium beer shampoo, and being
the youngest on tour got a good telling off for being up way after his
bedtime. The most serious charge levelled at plucky Blucky, was one
of circulating obscure snaps of himself around the pub. Not one for
the feint hearted. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Rejuvenated spoon
salesman Stewart Wilson (aka Wilse) maintained for the third
year running, the title of being the tour member to have the most pages of
fines book charges levelled at an individual. He is always good
value. At Hillside, Sugar went on a one-man mission to upset the
locals as much as possible. After being asked to leave the clubhouse
due to inappropriate dress, he proceeded to get embroiled in a slanging
match with Hillside members over his ankle socks. Wilse was fined
heavily for not making Edge cry on tour, but Edge did have the last laugh
after witnessing a clumsy Wilse trip over a set of car park chains.
The Strawberry blonde giant was reprimanded for paying for his beer in
Euros, but Yellow day was Stu's Achilles heel. He had nipple rash
form countless twanging of his braces, he was find heavily for trying to
de-bag the tour serial de-bagger (Cliffy), he beheaded a poor defenceless
wasp, and made an exhibition of himself with his one armed press up
dance in the Fox and Goose. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Ex Stanley Road
School Head Boy Dave Goodhall (aka Davey G) appeared to be
far more comfortable this year with the Birthday spotlight removed.
Edward induced the wrath of the bench and the whole tour party by holding
up breakfast every morning with his specific and complicated breakfast
orders. Goody was in the dock for peddling cheap yellow market stall
standard golf shirts to the entire tour party, was reported to honk in his
bedroom, and went to an Indian restaurant and ordered a Coke with his
meal, unthinkable!!! Fortunately, the bumbling baldy managed to
spill it after taking just two sips. David was also fined for rear
end exposure in public, but scooped a rebate when backing up Andy Widd
when discussing how Francis Lee won the battle of the Baseball Ground. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Special
"K" shareholder Sean Wilcock (aka Big Sean, aka Bargain
Bucket) managed to join us again in his big flash car park filling
SUV, opening his fines up with by far the most ridiculous guess in the
"tour lost balls" competition. A guess of 23!! But
flabbergasted the entire tour party when he ordered just one portion of
chips and a lone single burger from the burger bar. The big fellah
did redeem himself after he grassed up Wilse and Badger for teeing off
from the wrong tee at Hillside. Sean also gains notoriety for
carding an all time lowest cumulative score ever.
Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| This year's tour
flying visit belonged to the totally illegible Paddy's Kid (aka Paddy's
Kid). PK managed to take more trains than Michael Palin in order
to get to Southport. Once in town, PK doubled Dry Blackthorn yearly
sales in Lloyds Bar without breaking sweat. However, PK's first
exposure to the Judge turned out to be a bit of a damp squib. His debutant
"on the head" pint of Dry Blackthorn realised arguably the
largest amount of on the headage ever seen. Reminiscent of a scene
from the film Waterworld. PK dripped his way into a beer induced
bout of family gurning with Paddy. After completing a full frontal
genital exposure and questioning the colour of Polar Bears, Paddy's Kid
was on his way back to Bristol. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| The Judge (aka
Willy Will) was also subjected to fines dockery. Charges of
poor defence of Bude title, failing to wear a beer towel or wig when
administering fines, failing to get Tenko pissed enough the night before
the final round, singing like a demented Clanger on the Karaoke with Andy
Widd, excessive twangery of Euroboy's braces and wearing cheap foreign
imported T shirts were levelled at the Judge. The Judge offered no
defence or resistance to the charges. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| Finally, man of the
moment, Southport 2004 Champion Martin Lewis (aka Tenko)
tried to win all golf competitions going as he also dominated the
Camels. Attempting to pay his fines in Yen, the field's only non-European
competitor set about trying to lose his bridesmaid tag. After
constant Fathering sessions with Blucky, and excessive use of the room
based hairdryer, Tenko started not so brightly after completing two rounds
of golf and losing more balls than ex-City stumper Sean Cairney.
However, after rubbing inordinate amounts of Deep Heat on his yellow skin,
the Boughton Bombshell set about his title quest with a vengeance.
The bench did pull Tenko up for wearing women's bowling shoes in the pub,
not attending the tour Chinese meal, allegedly using a stolen golf trolley
on tour and making the entire tour party sit through a typically tedious
Chelsea performance. Eventually, there was no stopping the tour
trophy from travelling overseas for the first time, the size of the
winning smile only matched by the large amount of Camel's money paid out
by Fluffy during the week. Judge's
Southport 2004 Champagne Moment |
| I would just like to mention quickly tour members unable to contribute to the Judge's Jamboree. Marky Widd, Sheepish Simon, Pick Up Packo, Victor Proctor, Mark Roscoe and Nigel Roscoe were all sadly missed this tour. Hopefully we might see them in 2005 for backdated Karaoke and Singing in the Rain performances. However, if numbers are down, we can always rely on Timmsy to swell the fines coffers!!! Until next time............................... |