Adrian Avery (aka Edge, aka the backseat bus kipper) started his misdemeanours well before tour commenced. Edge was in front of the bench for allegedly playing poorly in Boughton Monthly Medals intentionally in order to raise his handicap for tour, unthinkable ! In addition, Mr Sneaky grassed Davey G reference witnessed air (not hair) shots whilst playing in Bristol, and then continued to snitch on Paddy for sporting a pink golf shirt at the same event. His first serious charge was that of supply of faulty goods, after the sacred Orange Jacket zip fell into a state of malfunction. This backfired on the cuddly orange flash when he decided to shower in the said jacket to prevent his “inny” from getting wet. Edge did however manage to take a top 5 fine when he managed to lose the tour winners trophy. His public lunchtime cider shower sent the judges fines pen into overdrive as startled innocent local shoppers who could hardly believe what they were witnessing whilst purchasing their weekly ration of potatoes and currants. Edge worryingly attracted several fines for homosexual activities, but redeemed himself by not joining in with the “we all kin hate Leeds” ditty. Edge was stung for breaking a tour record, losing 11 balls during one round of golf, and who ever doubted that good old Edgey was not capable of being a record breaker. The locals in and around Westport Golf Club were alarmed and running to the hills on Green Day when Edge strode out of the bus, thinking that Shrek was about to attack. The fear turned to bemusement as good old Edge the organiser had failed to book tee times for the final and deciding event. That cost him dear !!! Edge will admit to himself that his saddest crime was to be the cause of the scrum collapse on the last night as the front rower bolted upright quicker that an Apollo rocket at lift off after his wedding tackle was grabbed by his opposite number.

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Brian Clarke (aka Cyril aka thick Mick) was instantly fined for not flying to Ireland with the tour party, also fined for presuming that he would not be flying back either. After coping admirably with his “virgin tourist on the head pint”, the pint sized adopted paddy brought disgrace to the bench by bringing a bird to the pub without permission. Driving the bus brought financial penance to Cyril as he was fined for late bus arrivals, not having a hands free kit on the bus, not securing golf equipment on the bus and not wearing a tie whist driving the bus. The latter fine caused a seriously stern look from a passing real bus driver. Further bus related fines nearly cost the lives of the complete tour party when Scissor allowed Wilse to take the driver’s seat during a grass verge watering session on the way home from Connemara. This in turn led to another fine and bruising to the ribs as the ex-Dales left back became a human punch bag during Wilse’s ejection from the driver’s seat. Cyril was charged with the accusation of not applying home made tattoo’s to Galler’s, not singing on the bus and being the only sober member of the tour party.

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Steve Clifford (aka Cliffy aka Quentin Tarrintino) got off to flying start by being first in the bar at the airport. Rumour has it that he stacked 6 solo rounds to prevent him having to buy anyone a drink. Cliffy was fined heavily for thinking he was in business class as his seat row number was single figures (unlike his handicap) and, due to the flight delay, time was passed by giving Cliffy the acclaimed award of “put most weight on since Southport Tour”. Cliffy was Euro’ed for two refusals to use shower after a toilet visit from Wilse, constant mobile phonery and endless fines for teeing off with his nose in front of the tee markers. In fact, Cliffy had trouble with the Ladies Tee markers on one occasion when his inadequate tee shot failed to make them. Unfortunately, Cliffy did not do the right thing as he refused to commit to the traditional on course knob exposure after such a crime. The Judge will get justice in Scotland. Cliffy was fined heavily for constant moaning about rooming with Wilse, threatening not to room with him again. This caused further fines for trying to inflict Wilse on another member of the Tour party. Wilse had the last laugh however, as Cliffy contributed for missing a one foot putt on the 18^th, losing his bottle and a fistful of Euros to the strawberry blonde.

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Paul Galloway (aka Gallers aka Tattooed tart) had a dreamy tour and I would take a bet he wished he hadn’t. Things started badly for the travel agent tall Paul as he was in front of the Bar for not foreseeing a flight delay at Birmingham. He was fined for umbrella erection on the hottest day of the year and sadly, fined for capitulating with Edge in acts of homosexual behaviour. Worryingly, Gallers was Euro’ed for being unable to think of a single golfers name during a traditional round of angle wangle. The fashion police were out as the gentle giant tried to get away with wearing a postman’s uniform out to the night club, probably thought he could give someone a special delivery !! After being fined for leaving the tour party for a cliquey curry, Galler’s was fined for the extraordinary crime of having an in depth knowledge and appreciation of Indian music played in curry houses. Along with further fines for talking about train spotting and failure to be present to accept fines money, Gallers curry house chomp cost him more that what the waiter took off him. Gallers finest moments were just around the corner. He was in front of the bench for a “showboat” urination in a public street and a humorous impression of a mountain goat whist playing three shots from the same place on a vertical cliff face in the jungle grass of Eniscrone.

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David Goodall (aka Davey G aka Ralph Coates) was his normal mischievous self. He angered the Judge by not owning up to a series of air shots whist playing in Bristol, and angered Andy Widd even more on the first morning when Davey G woke up before the traditional Andy Widd fart alarm. His over exuberant U2 appreciation cost him dear and also cleared ¾ of a quaint Irish drinking hole. His inability to operate his own camera bemused the bench along with his repeated mistakes on cards handed in. He constantly pressurised Edge to resign from the Society Chairmanship, this after being caught and fined for drinking pop after midnight. Goody was heavily fined for pedalling cheap poor quality goods (tour shirts and hats) and being fined even more for not selling all of the hats. The fashion police were called again as David arrived at the breakfast table sporting a goaty beard even at his tender age. Goody’s most serious crime was that of coaching Edge to fine the Judge 20 Euros heavier than anyone else when the Judge takes the dock. Someone has to be very careful in Scotland.

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Steve Jenkins (aka Paddy aka gormless gurner) began his tour with a series of misdemeanours on the golf course. He was charged with impersonations of Alan Donald (sun block lipstick) consistently leaving putts short, consistently getting lost in the first cut of rough and being shorter than Cyril on a golf course. Paddy also managed to three putt from three feet on a par three, and in his temper kicked the ball off the green and managed to lose it in the rough. Astonishingly, this seasoned tourist tried to think he could deceive the tour party by having an early night on the first night, which smacks of taking the golf too seriously in my book. Unfortunately, in Paddy’s rush to get out unnoticed, he forgot about the pint of cider he left on the bar. The following morning, without the aid of a translator, Paddy was ordered to drink the pint back in one as a breakfast treat. The bullish Bristolian vexed the Bench on yellow day when he failed to turn out in the family heirloom yellow fleece but still managed to get fined for impersonations of a buttercup. As they say “every dog has his day” and Paddy made it a double. Firstly, he searched the Irish bars high and low (more low than high) to find a shorter bloke than his good self, he managed to do so, but at a price. Secondly, fighting back the tears, Paddy became the shortest lifter of the coveted trophy and the legal fraternity send out their hearty congratulations to Paddy. Unfortunately, the winner’s enclosure cost Paddy more folding as he was fined heavily for being shorter than the trophy, going from Orange Jacket holder to tournament winner and displaying boughts of involuntary gurning during the prize giving photo sessions.

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Jason Lee (aka Badger aka Mr low profile) again proved to be a difficult pursuit for pocket change extraction. Now falling into the Darren Phillips school of tightness, the casual stroller was fined repeatedly for being late on parade every morning. The demands of the hairdryer and bling applicator caused Jenny to consistently hold up the “chomping at the bit” golf party each morning. On two occasions, the handsome Nortonite was in front of the Bar for mountaineering on a golf course (including one charge of exposing himself whilst mountaineering), playing the wrong ball from the middle of the fairway and taking so much time to look for a lost ball it allowed Wilse’s four ball to play through. A series of drinking fines soon followed as Badger was caught bringing unfinished beer onto the tour bus, beer spillage at a presentation ceremony and drinking posh drinks after midnight. Surprisingly, this die hard Red fan was actually fined for not supporting his beloved Liverpool when the live TV sparked into action as Badger was far more interested in looking in the full length mirror behind the bar to check his form.

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Martin Lewis (aka Tenko aka muscle-bound part time Mothercare doorperson) kicked off his 2005 exploits early doors as the chief sneak reported the overseas contender for drinking water on the plane. On yellow day, Tenk was charged for having a matching shirt and face, plus endangering the life of poor old Wilse with displays of buggy driving without due care and attention. Constantly winning longest drive despite claiming a back injury was hampering his swing had the Chinese fellah in front of the Judge on numerous occasions, as did hogging the buggy driving despite collecting previous points on his buggy licence. Repeatedly “going for a lie down” raised the eyebrows of the Judge on a daily basis, a pastime the bench never got to the real bottom of !!. Poor title defence, allowing a shorter competitor to take his title plus persistent fashion challenge matches with Paffer had the Asian reaching for more cents in those deep, deep pockets of his. During the Westport event, Tenko’s buggy hogging finally caught up with him when he transported Darren Phillips back to a par three tee after the Cavendish smasher blasted a wayward “draw” into the river estuary behind the green. Tenk the taxi failed to charge Daz the standard fare for the pleasure of the trip.

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Paul Matthews (aka Paffer aka Mr IPoD) was another tourist to fall foul of pre-tour naughtiness as he owned up for looking in ladies shops for socks for Green Day. Likewise, the forgetful slogger was in front of the bench for not getting freely available green trousers from work for all the lads to wear on Green Day. Paffer was fined heavily on a daily basis for constant unsociable behaviour as he chose to participate in obsessive listening to Rick Astley, The Smurfs, The Clangers Greatest Hits and Doris Day Live at Minehead Butlins on his IPoD rather than participate in wanton banter with fellow tourist on the tour bus. The Boughton pin up was then in front of the Bar for having golf lessons which resulted in wasting his time, money and the pro’s efforts. Evolving from this Paffer was charged for being a better photographer than golfer, a charge than no member of the tour party denied. However, in a moment of brilliance, Paffer did manage to get a two on a par three without the aid of a putter which added to his deepening financial plight. As with Cliffy, Paffer was charged for moaning about rooming with Wilse next year, claiming that the nightmares and mistreatment realised during his past employment in a Chinese laundry were coming back to haunt him.

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