Judge's Report
The Avonmouth Riviera hosted the 2009 Old Boys Tour with the
trendy high-flying metropolis Weston-Super-Mare (pier-less in so many ways)
accommodating the party.
Interestingly
enough the Tour participants actually arrived in the preceding month before
golfing formalities cracked off due to the insistence to comply with a
ridiculous early arrival policy laid down by the ginger but neatly presented Adrian Avery. Tour penance started well before this time however as
the tubby tormentor found himself in front of the beak for being unable to take
home raw or uncooked eggs to her indoors. Moments into the Tour it did not
improve for the Leeds lager lout as Ader was reprimanded for mislaying the days
scorecards, quickly followed by a charge of spreading pikey poo from an
on-course ditch at Weston Golf Club (WGC). After shaking off this poor start the
balding bleater had a happy-slap from Mr Disappointment when it was announced
that Adrian had failed to secure a place in the Major From Glengarry pool team.
After an excessive intake of Special K the wannabe Slimcea-Girl was charged with
a most serious offence at Orchardleigh Golf Club (OGC). After bullying a ball
from the Judge having rotundly hacked his original tee shot into deep jungle the
temperamental train-spotter not only proceeded to lose the Judges ball, he
failed to look for it and even failed to replace it!!! Outrageous. As ever
controversy was never far away, this year in the shape of issuing a fantasy
handicap to one Sean Cairney. This triggered another brush with the bench after
Edgy attempted to pervert the course of justice attempting to amend Cairn’s
handicap so that the Judge took the Orange Jacket after the golf had finished!!!
Spontaneous cries of ang im!!!! ensued. The bulky bludgeoner had a disaster meal
in the OGC clubhouse being charged for carrot hoggery masturbatory references
and back garden poo stories just as Davey G was spooning gravy which parted some
well earned from Adrian. Once again the traditional scant regard for room key
safety featured on his crime report as did the falling asleep in every drinking
establishment visited. Finally the most serious of all charges was administered
for failing to provide the tearful Blucky with a prize at the final day
presentation ceremony!!! So much for the quote nobody leaves empty handed from
Old Boys Tours All in all a good year for the salad dodger whos behaviour caused
the wastage of a full pen to enable the Judge to record the wealth of
incriminating evidence on offer.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Dancing like a demented donkey during the Tour Madness dance
off, following a cider swilling session with Taylor at Tuckers Grave.
It
was totally out of character when the pert postie Andrew
Widdowson was called to the bench for suffering from the first hangover on
Tour. Three guesses who accompanied Widdowson on the advance party to get him in
that state??!! The B & B had never seen such sausage refusery at Tuesday
mornings breakfast table. The beefy Blackpole bludgeoner also attracted penance
after letting rip one of the most audible farts ever witnessed in the clubhouse
at WGC, small mercy was that there was not a picture of HRH hanging in the WGC
gallery to witness such shenanigans. The ex-Pompey playmaker was also cited for
serial covering up of the Tour golf shirt at all events undertaken, poisoning
Guinness with lemonade and involving non-Tourists in the guess the Open winner
competition. Having a poo in a non legal toilet cost the chirpy chopper some
well earned, as did the fine and ASBO administered for consistent unsociable
quiz machine participation. This year’s major controversy followed the skinny
show-boater in the form of multiple pointed questions from general Tourists
raised against the handicap committee, considering the well hung hunk (who has a
major influence over the said committee) actually ended up winning the overall
Tournament!!
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Being out-sunglassed by Edge + winning Tour, well done me old
mucker
It took the entire Tour party 3 hours to realise that the cheesy grinning
ex-chomper, Darren Phillips, was
actually on Tour. If it wasnt for the draught caused by the Widdowson legendary
bottom burp, that fluttered the paper serviette that Big D was nestled behind,
the ex-Dales pin up could have remained hidden to the naked eye for the entire
Tour. Once on the course, 2009 Tour
was just a never ending parade of petulance for the aerobic mad ape. The bench
lay down the law for petulance on every fairway at WGC, abusing an unsuspecting
6 iron on the 6th at OGC, hacking from one bunker to another on the
15th at OGC, hacking out of bounds from the second bunker on the same
hole, burying his driver in the tee on the 17th at OGC, and most
serious of all, burying his putter (causing permanent green damage) on the 11th
at Castlecombe Golf Club [CCGC]. The lightweight loafer found himself in the
dock for failing to wear the Irish hat and Orange jacket during a pool match,
for refusing a carefully prepared bounty of burgers after a pool match and for
failing to respond to fellow pool team members who were consoling Carl after a
nail biting frame of Weston Division 9 (South) pool. The wafer thin wayward
whoosher did get off lightly when it was discovered that he was drinking halfs
every night, but, the anaemic antagonist had a final rare-up when it was
discovered that an un-named Judge stole some of his breakfast, reported in the
now infamous poached egg-gate trial.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Pretending to go for a jog along the Weston sea front, when
he was really running up to WGC to look for all the balls he lost on Tuesday
Plucky pill popper David Goodhall
worried the Tour party in the WGC clubhouse following a random Touretts
outburst, only to pacify the entire party with the delights and artistry fresh
from the magic circle, when the balding bloater miraculously made the lost golf
scorecards (in a ginger capacity) re-appear out of thin air. After a potentially
fatal darts near-miss (parting Edgeys eyebrows with a wayward wand) the cocky
chrome domer had a series of a senior moments in a culinary capers kind of way.
The devout Derby dynamo was charged with severe beer spillage in the Pavilion
bar, using his trousers as a kebab drip tray and excessive carrot distribution
to a well know tugger. Davey G nearly re-branded himself Davey Geek following
regular temperamental referrals to the internet when attempting to prove to the
handicap committee that their allocation of handicaps did not reflect the real
world. At least the mardy marauder managed to secure a coveted Tour prize, after
the he scooped the first to honk on Tour title, disappointing blaming the
mouthwash he was addicted to for causing the pavement pizza. Tails is still
casting a casual chuckle to this day over the cider swilling self elected Tour
leader failure to recognise that he had surpassed the limits of his Somerset
cider intake. Schoolboy error.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Over exuberant use of eyebrows on a darts okey
The full figured philanthropist Jason
Lee once again proved to be a slippery Tourist to sentence, always managing
to stay one step ahead of the law and the chief creep. However, the bullish bin
man did come unstuck when he was grassed up for taking a driver on a 168 yard
Par 3 hole at WGC. After referring to the Judge as Stan, pulling Bully Beef
faces on a darts okey and for being too bashful to appear on a presentation
photograph, the man-bag model paid dearly. In contrast, the gas-filled gorilla
managed to infiltrate every presentation ceremony with wanton releases of potent
bum blasts, at one stage causing a perplexed master of ceremonies to call for
the Glade and to open the top window on the latch. Most shockingly, the misled
moocher lost his Tour Madness dance off title, when at DKs, the laid back legend
was outmanoeuvred by a well known Japanese jiver.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Openly admitting that he needs a light on in the bedroom in
order to fall asleep.....aaaahhhhh
Confucius
say that Godzilla groupie Martin Lewis origins
once again came under the spotlight, after the muscle bound master-blaster was
reported for sending numerous text messages in Mandarin. This preceded some
rather over-precautious parking manoeuvres in the WGC car park, as the Cantonese
clot took 17 attempts to slot his roomy family saloon into an ample parking
spot. As tradition dictates, the serial bridesmaid was fined for 3 counts of
being late on parade, becoming obvious to the bench when it was revealed that
the pampering pruners room had a free vend hair dryer, mirror and foundation
application device. A couple of run-ins with the Bar had Tenko reaching for his
wallet, for failing to look for the Judges ball (as lost by a well known rotund
hacker), for leaving his trolley in such a position as to block a Judges
approach shot and for breaking (but failing to own up to) a sacred fines pen.
Oddly, the Taiwanese tormentor openly admitted to once being thrown out of the
sea!!! Not sure how that works? Martin was another Tourist who fell foul to
raucous rear end un-reticence as the Malay meddler was charged with exuberant
gas release following camel avoidance and for trying to convince a well known
Leeds lump that there was a small mammal in the undergrowth, when in fact the
slant-eyed slapper was throwing a fart to create this deception. Mr Lewis did
redeem himself after he easily won the Madness dance off, cutting short his
celebrations as his exertions had brought on a dizzy spell so he needed to sit
down for a while. Bless.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Winning the twos money at Orchardleigh and not claiming the
money
It
was a welcome return for the official Tour Strawberry Blonde,
as Sugar Wilson immediately
started his antics as if he had not been away. The Boris Beckers stunt double
had to fit a saddle on Edgey at the WGC clubhouse, as the big fellah was on
Edgey’s back disputing the early arrival for so long, there were blisters a
starting. The legendary Thunderbird Lip was soon in action as the Tour top
weight had a bit of a mare at WGC. He was in front of the bar for smashing a
ball into Tenko’s bag (no fore shout), endangering wildfowl on the 14th
at WGC (incidentally getting a two with his 2nd ball!!!), sulking for
the last 6 holes at WGC thinking he was the Orange Jacket winner elect and
persistently attempting to induce poor old Badger into taking the camels on
every hole at WGC. However, Badger had the last laugh as the ex-Kays clonker
managed to leave his ball in a bunker on the 17th at WGC. Navigation
had the Strawberry slogger in the dock after his skills ended up leading the
Tour party down lanes that had grass growing all over them on the way to OGC.
When challenged, the ex-Dales donkey stated that he bought his Sat-Nav from
Tenko and the instructions were in Mandarin!!! Oddly enough, the tubby tyrant
was another Tourist charged with being thrown out of the sea, likelihood is that
it took a shed-load more blokes to do so compared with Tenko. More serious
allegations were to follow for the gentle giant as he was accused of wanton
spending of the ball count money, persistently working on Tour and for leaving
Tuckers Grave sober for the first time ever. The portly prattler did have the
Tour party heart strings singing after he admitted that he was getting old in
DKs, plus again, showing his age, only managed to give himself a pulled fetlock
and a beer shampoo during the Madness dance off as the Bambi on Ice wannabe took
a tumble still clutching his beloved pint of shandy.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Trying to hit his ball out of an alley in the middle of a
forest (Par 3 10th at CCGC)....nice 7 son!!
This years virgin and undisputedly best looking on Tour, Neil Grubb was a welcome addition to the Old Boys family. However,
the tattooed tonker didnt do himself any favours when he not only received
blatant favouritism from an un-named Leeds rotund hacker (special introduction
at WGC) but also scooped the first prize on Tour (longest drive at WGC). This
vexed the bar and put a look of anxiety in the eyes of fellow competitors.
Allegedly, the beefy blaster gave a fine display of how hard and long to hit a
golf ball, but found himself in the dock for missing a 1inch putt at his OGC top
shot hole. The slim slicer compounded this further when he was fined severely
for blowing up on the back 9 at OGC, blaming his ails on the fact that
allegedly, his driver may be illegal which was causing him gross distraction.
For not winning all the longest drive competitions, the trendy trumper was
penanced, as was he for wearing a Dicky Widd cardigan and having an inferior
face tattoo (compared to Gallers) in the Major From Glengarry. All in all, a
very strong virgin campaign on and off the course for the Warndon walloper.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Causing a near catastrophic fatal RTA by mashing his buggy
into the back of Wokkos
Last
but not least, the Dennis Priestley stand in
Pete Williams found himself in deep water early doors after being cited for
being the only non-Boughton GC member in the WGC clubhouse, plus, trying to show
off and speak Russian to a waitress, only to find out she was Lithuanian!! The
pitch and putt plonker, as with the calamity Chelsea chopper, was also charged
for using a Tenko supplied Sat-Nav and for playing golf with a beach ball up his
jumper. In fact golf had the legal lump in the dock on several more occasions
when fined for cheap watch syndrome (looking for a lost ball for more than 15
minutes), attempting to fell trees with a golf ball, missing 3 putts from inside
a foot at CCGC and for impersonating a Belson inmate whilst playing golf
(haircut only). Worryingly, the ex-Northwick nutter was placed on suicide watch
on the 18th at OGC, following the audible debate, jostling and
scuffling in connection with the Cairney fantasy handicap incident, barely
raising a smile at Edgey as he peered haplessly over a mountain of over-cooked
carrots. The pub The Major From Glengarry proved to be a graveyard for the
chubby crock as he was fined for thinking his adopted pool name was Alan when in
fact it was Alex, winning the darts money despite turning pro 20 years ago and
for over-use of his Stan Ogden impressions at a darts okey. The penal
perpetrator was lambasted for bringing far too many clothes on a short Tour,
being unable to order his own eggs at breakfast and most shockingly of all,
purchasing an extra large donor kebab, nursing it all the way back to hotel only
to throw it in the bin and tuck into an unsuspecting mini-box of Kelloggs
Frosties.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Being sternly reprimanded by green staff at OGC after
volleying a ball off the green with his putter
Some
Tourists were unable to participate for the full week, but their efforts to come
for as long as possible are recognised and appreciated As their time was short,
the entries in the fines book can be few and far between, so here are the best
ofs for the late arrivals.
Having
more tattoos than the Edinburgh Festival,
Tour animal Lea Bluck did manage
to gain fines book entries for failing to reach the ladies tee on the 16th
at OGC, being unable to fathom out how to fill in a golf scorecard for Cairney,
failing to complete showboat press-ups to intimidate local VIs in DKs and for
failing to administer a taser on Wilse during the entire week. However, the
benchs thanks go out to the muscular mammoth for his excellent treasury
qualities on the Friday night in Weston.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Failing to connect with a haymaker aimed at Tenko in DKs only
to land it on a rather bemused Badger.
Ex-jankers
Paul Matthews as with previous Tours again kept his distance from
the bench. However, the charmless crock did pay penance for no orange jacket
appearance on the first night of Tour (2008 carry over), failing to wear womens
underwear on Tour, 4 counts of severe tree abuse with a golf ball, swearing more
than Tiger Woods wife and scant
regard for a fellow Tourists welfare as the balding bumbler left Pinky at the
mercy of the Brizol chavs on the M5.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Displaying a faultless Roscoe’esq shank on the 6th
at CCGC
This
month’s centrefold in Wookie World, Andrew
Watkins was on Tour long enough for the bench to charge the fur-balled felon
for several buggy related charges. The listless lefty was cited for failing to
display the correct Im slowing down hand signals, which resulted in him being
violated up the rear end by a virgin, for driving a golf buggy left handed and
for causing a golf buggy to list excessively towards the drivers side.
Strangely, the clumsy cacky hander was in front of the bar for addressing and
attempting to hit a lump of foam instead of a golf ball on the fairway at CCGC.
Disappointingly, the Perdiswell perpetrator was charged with failing to video
the traditional tonsil tennis on a well know Worcester driveway.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Finding Wilses ball down lovers alley on the Par 3 10th
at CCGC so Wilse had to play it!!! Priceless...
Mr Backswing himself Sean Cairney
was another previous Tourist to be welcomed back to the Avonmouth Riviera, that
was after watching an episode of his favourite TV show, Most Haunted. After
being bullied and intimidated by ladies on the 18th at OGC, the
Wolves *anker jumped straight into a legal cauldron, ably assisted by a well
known Harry Hill impersonator, trying to uplift a fantasy handicap into the
realms of Avatar. The boss eyed bungler fell into more legal trouble after his
cider drink-athon at Tuckers Grave with Taylor (which included a bout of behind
the bar help yourself, nobodys watching) culminating in late arrival at DKs and
abandonment of a fellow Tourist in need of urgent assistance (mouthwash
syndrome). For wearing trainers in a golf clubhouse, the ex-Ronksy rebel drew
penance, as did he (unbelievably) for having the biggest eyes on Tour, yet being
unable to find one single drive that Grubby smashed down the fairway.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Failing to reach the ladies tee in 3 shots – 11th
at OGC
Not much more can be said about the Brizol bonehead Steve
Jenkins than this years Tour was a bit of a shitter for the pint sized
pumper. The geriatric gurner vexed the bench for failing to attend a
Tour in his own back yard, failing to provide suitable translation
services, scant regard for Tour packing (only 1 pair of pants), being the most
illegible on Tour and most serious of all, allowing a washing machine to prevent
him from attending Tour. This years major incident and top legal financial
reward once again involved the Blackthorn swilling buffoon follow a certain
incident where the accused followed through, but this incident in no way
involved a golf swing. Contamination was reported to be of epic proportions,
with the poo patrol hotline inundated with callers requesting the services of
the pooper scooper squad. Affected items included, room wallpaper, room
lampshade, room waste bin, room bath, room door handles (3), room carpet,
Cairneys suitcase, Paddys jeans, socks, shoes, baseball cap, travel clock, one
copy of Hustler magazine, Snow White DVD, copy of how to look good in platform
shoes book, medium sized Smurf and a packet of wine gums. However, the doolally
dwarf had the last laugh when he returned on the last day to take the Burnham
title.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Involuntary gurning whilst shitting himself!!! J
(gets into the Judges Tour Top 5 Favourite Fines ever)
Worcester Warriors maniac Kev
Truby was a belated virginal arrival, making his entrance for the final
windswept round at Burnham GC. The Judge was angered and penalised the
spendthrift slapper after he brashly requesting petrol money from the fines
kitty. The bench saw this in a dim light and as a feeble attempt to take over
the sacred tighter than a baby hippos arse mantle from a well known serial
slimmer. The Guinness swilling gonad was also pulled up for wearing a rugby
shirt out of season, not breaking down on the M5 and for raising the average age
of the Tour by 7 months.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Legendary lost ball guess.....
Serial sick note Steve Matthews
was, like Trubes, another belated virginal arrival. Unlike Trubes though, the
lippy leprechaun did not manage to keep a low profile until finding his Tour
feet. He not only attracted legal attention, but the attention of a well-known
ex-Anchor regular by accusing the said tippler of being Ginger. Only to cover
his bases (and safety) by sucking up to a well known Hindlip beefcake by
excessively complimenting the array of tattoos on view, accompanied with the
massively predicable question of did it urt? In the melee that followed, the
dinky doughnut managed to lose his sacred Tour ID card, which resulted in an
embarrassing attempt at an on the head pint, as the top of the pint glass was
level with the top of the accused head. Also, unlike Trubes, the chatty chopper
allegedly raised the average age of the Tour by 3.7 years.
Judges Champagne
Moment :
Not being visible in the Burnham GC semi-rough
So
there we have it, Tour number 8 over and out. The Bar would like to pass on
their congratulations to the 2009 Tour victor, Mr Andrew Widdowson, and also
pass on thanks to all the organisers who make Tour such a splendid and enjoyable
event. Tenby, July 2010 will hold court for the City Old Boys next encounter.
Please remember, the contents of this report are not intended to offend.