JUDGES
VERDICT ON |
Adrian Avery Sean
Cairney Steve Clifford Paul Galloway Jason Lee Martin Lewis Paul Matthews |
Darren Phillips
Paul Proctor Mark
Roscoe Nige Roscoe
Steve Jenkins Kevin
Paxton Dave Timms |
Simon Waters Andy
Widdowson Mark Widdowson Stewart Wilson Dave
Goodall Pete Williams Sean Wilcock |
| The Bar once again witnessed bumper fine returns during the 2004 Dave Goodall Classic Golf Tournament held in Bude, Cornwall. The tour party at times surpassed previous unexplainable jollities encountered in Ayrshire-by-the Sea in 2002. Quite frankly it was like taking candy from children at times. |
| Take Adrian Avery (aka "The Edge").
His week could not have started on such a low with his beloved Leeds going
down 4 – 0 away to the might and power of Leicester City. At the final
whistle, his predictable petulance and outburst of aggressive foul and abusive
language (not only offended the Bench, but I am sure made some of the younger
tourist's feel a little uneasy) cost him a few of his "not so hard
earned" TNT bucks. The Edge also earned the privilege of holding this
year's coveted title of "first to thrown up on tour" which had
the plucky red flash diving for more folding. Other notable offences included
profound vanity (appearing in all golf presentation photos), memory loss
(forgetting where he left his bed, clothes and toiletries) and gross overuse
of "train spotter" chitchat on the journey down to Bude. This
had poor young (but well hung) Andrew Widdowson reaching for the hangman's
noose. Andrew in fact was party to more Edge molestation when Edge decided
to volley his pint across the bar floor. Come to think of it, the amount
of fines administered to Edge for beer spillage and giving beer away to
fellow tourists (mainly Wilse) begs the question……how in fact
does Edge ever get boiled ?
Judge's Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| From one extreme to the other, Mr "background"
alias Sean Cairney (aka Cairnes) realised a most disappointing
return. After a healthy start being found guilty of allowing Edge to soil
his bed linen with dice carrots and tomato skins, and wearing his 70's fancy
dress on the first night, Cairnes preceded to portray behaviour patterns
reminiscent of a chameleon. Apart from the usual cash returns for Mr Bean
impressions and the totally obvious "being a Wolves fan", the
Bar found Mr Cairney a slippery customer.
Judge's Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Leading columnist in well-known trade publications
such as "I Couldn't Stoke Another Boiler" and "Surfing On
Cecil's Wake", the every popular Steve Clifford (aka Cliffy)
enjoyed mixed fortunes in the witness box. His involvement in the saga of
Edge's bed misplacement was noted and cost him, as did his consistent teeing
off with his nose in front of the tee markers. However, he let himself down
totally when attempting to "de-bag" the shy and retiring Paddy
for a full 45 minutes without success. Even more so when he consciously
avoided drinking on Thursday night in an attempt to gain sober advantage
over The Judge himself, on the eve of the crucial final round. Take note
Cliffy, Thursday night fines will be different in Southport. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Poor old Paul Galloway (aka Gallers)
just wanted to get away from it all after one of life's disappointments.
Unfortunately, he found himself continually in the dock facing a series
of navigational related charges. Constantly falling asleep on navigational
duty, constant crowing about what it's like to be Graeme Hick's double whist
navigating and the inexcusable quote whilst reading golf course directions
"has anybody seen a road sign to a place called CRNWLL" (considering
we are staying in Cornwall) It just makes me wonder at times. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| The tour party equivalent to the "baby
faced assassin", youthful Jason Lee (aka Badger) displayed
moments of road rage and temper tantrums when attempting to find Llanhydrock
G.C. in the wild Cornwall (note Gallers) leafy lanes. This lead to his only
major fine for getting the entire tour party lost. Freshly graduated from
the "Sean Cairney School of Backgroudery", Badger also proved
a difficult customer to pin down in the witness box. Minor offences such
as continual use of Val Doonigan's jumpers and encouraging the gullible
Cairney to play a ball he found randomly in the rough, The Judge failed
to lay down the law in Badger's corner. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Housewives choice, the eternal bridesmaid,
Worcester Golf and Country Club's own version of Colin Montgomery……..call
him what you like, but our friendly Asian contestant Martin Lewis
(aka Tenko) provided rich pickings at times. He started well by
collecting maximum "brownie" points by coming on tour despite
a clash with his wedding anniversary. He soon lost them all by consistently
taking golf too seriously, allowing Wilse to constantly bully him and displaying
total confusion when left handed drinking was introduced. Tenko inevitably
became part of Cliffy's breakaway "non angle wangle" group on
Thursday night which allowed the bench to cash in with dignity. Another
tourist who should show great care on future Thursday nights in Southport.
Judge's Bude
2003 Champagne Moment |
| The cuddly, evergreen and ever shiny ringleader
Paul Matthews (aka Paffer) started his tour with a bit
of a stinker. Paffer was quickly accused and sentenced for the delivery
of a graphic, in-depth commentary of his toilet activities (in a number
2's kind of way) whilst enjoying the vast array of memorabilia held in the
Royal North Devon golf museum. The entire tour party and humble museum curator
(Mr Von Trapp) grappled with thoughts of German U Boat periscopes whilst
wrestling with the intense weight of the impending golf competition about
to unfold. Paffer is Mr Slippery himself. Always plotting and scheming (i.e.
Edge's bed mystery) but never finding himself in the spotlight, Paffer is
a prime candidate for the introduction of a more covert approach within
the judicial system. Yet another tourist who should show great care on future
Thursday nights in Southport. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Cheesy chuckler Darren Phillips (aka
Big D) like Paffer drew attention to the dock by also having an
early doors stinker at Royal North Devon. His wayward, nervy tee shot on
the 1st found the accused Mr Phillips playing a dropped ball ¾ mile
away from where his ball actually landed in the rough. On sentencing, Big
D not only handed over a fair wad of cash, but also took delivery of a Royal
and Ancient rule book. A rare appeal by Big D was quashed when all rumours
that Big D could actually read were proven unfounded. Fortunately, the Royal
and Ancient rule book carries sufficient pictures so Big D can understand
it. Big D was also found guilty for being unable to fit into an XXL wet
suit, front seat hoggery for the duration of the tour (showing scant regard
for Davey G's birthday treat day) and endless counts of taking too long
in the shower. Perhaps Edge should consider a shower gel and loofer set
for future longest drive prizes. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Half human, half Meldrew, chirpy Villa fan
Paul Proctor (aka Vic) turned a few heads by being proven
guilty for a procession of unlikely fineable categories never seen before.
Wearing a football up every shirt worn on tour, wearing a wig every night
before fancy dress night and a particularly unmemorable rendition of "wake
me up before you go-go" saw loveable Vic consistently fined in the
dock. It goes without saying that true to form, Vic moaned after every fine
that was administered, plus showed gross contempt for the thoughtful prize
that he was presented with for his links and parkland hackery. Some things
never change. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Some things in this world are inseparable.
Posh and Becks, Weetabix and cereal dishes, Big D and his money, but nothing
comes close to the Roscoe Twins. Every round of golf, every meal, every
visit to the urinal, there is never more than a "Rizzla" between
them. Mark Roscoe took the golf society world by storm
when recording three consecutive air shots in three consecutive rounds,
and bamboozled his 4 ball on the 14th at St Mellion by his re-enactment
of the Dambusters raid. Tee shot number one recorded 8 lake skims before
his golf ball thudded into the far mud bank. Re-loading, Mark proved it
was no fluke when he proceeded to shoot a 7 skimmer into the very same bank.
As a finale, playing 5 off the tee, Mark "topped" his ball with
aplomb directly into the centre of the lake. He was only distracted from
his walk of shame to his golf buggie by a school of carp nursing head wounds
and waving a home made white flag. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Mark's "twin" Nigel, refused to be
outshone by his brother. In an attempt to gain the upper hand and become
King of the Roscoe's, Nigel Roscoe preceded to "slam"
tee shots, which all failed to reach the Ladies tee box on three occasions
in the same round. Worse was to come for the slightly slimmer twin, when
he broke stringent tour rules by failing to wear the sacred "orange
jacket" (for finishing last) not just once but on two occasions. This
had Nigel scurrying for the cash point. Nigel's week reached an all time
low when, during a tear jerking tour party rendition of our beloved National
Anthem, Nigel failed to recall any of the words after "God Save……….."
Needless to say, the judicial fraternity took a dim view of this contempt.
Judge's Bude
2003 Champagne Moment |
| After a strong debut appearance on the Ayrshire
Tour, the pocket dynamite Steve Jenkins (aka Paddy) once
again proved to be profitable in the Bude dock. With his translator faithfully
by his side, the bullish Bristolian tried to win over the locals with a
fine display of involuntary gurning, which started after his fifth pint
of cider and tractor diesel on the first day. By the end of the first night,
Paddy managed to take the five and a half mile walk home from the pub in
his stride. The trouble was that the rest of the tour party in his group
walked one and a half miles home from the same venue, using the same route.
Unfortunately, the Ralph Coates look-alike did irritate the bench by bleeding
on the fines book after losing half of his knuckles whilst trying to prevent
the prankish Cliffy from removing his pants in the High Street. Topping
off an impressive tour, the Ralph Coates look-alike transformed himself
into a Davey G look-alike thanks to the artistry, nimble wrists and Lady
Shave provided by the dependable Paffer. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| There was a debutant on tour this year, self-christening
himself after the Llanhydrock debarkle, and now affectionately known as
Pick Up Pakko. Kevin Paxton didn't take the advice of the
legal system and chose to drink with Wilse on the first night. There was
only going to be one result following this beer belly mis-match, the rest
is Old Boy's history. Unfortunately, Tour Law states that should a drink
be left on the bar when the owner sneaks off to bed, it must be downed in
the morning. I guess Pick Up must have enjoyed his full English and toast
washed down with a Voddy Red Bull at 8 in the morning, whilst nursing a
hangover measuring 9 on the Richter Scale. Needless to say, Pakko went on
to card the lowest score in society history, eleven points and was fined
severely for Vodka wastage. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Some people are born to be tourists and grow
with experience, some on the other hand make the role of the Judge that
much easier. Already on his uppers, the closet trainspotter Dave
Timms (aka Timmsy, aka Ex-TNT Timmsy) came to Bude still under
a cloud of dispute from trials held in Ayrshire. Putting on a brave face
Ex-TNT couldn't control his Scottish anguish at his first hearing of the
week, which displeased the bench. Only the sight of a crumpled Giro hanging
out of the corner of his faded chords pocket prevented the bench from imposing
the "fine of all fines" to the hapless Ex-TNT. This aside, Timmsy
still managed to brand himself as the VI (Village Idiot) in front of the
Judge. Memorable Angle Wangle contributions such as the Beatles classic's
"Please, Please Me Do", the use of Billy Bean on 4 occasions and
managing not to know "anybody" when the more than irate Andy Widd
opened up the game to include anybody who has ever lived. Poor old Timmsy's
luck just didn't get any better. Just when he needed the cash he managed
to claw himself into the pool final and lost. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| The translators were also out in force for
the sheepish Simon Waters (aka Simon) from the off. At
his beloved Royal North Devon, Simon enjoyed the free-range sheep as only
he knows how. After taking 2 hours more than any other competitor to complete
Royal North Devon, Simon seemed to merge into the background thereafter.
It appears that the perky Welshman is another Cairney trained chameleon
as the Judge failed to swell the fines pot as he did on the outspoken version
of Simon that turned up in Scotland. Timmsy take note. Apart from the usual
"bankers" (being Welsh, not having lamb for tea, constant moans
about Ayr fines) Simon dodged and weaved his way out of the spotlight.
Judge's Bude 2003 Champagne
Moment |
| With, I am sure, the nightmares of train spotting
still fresh in his memory, the ex-Pompey Andy Widdowson
(aka Andy Widd) maintained his status of chief creep to the Judge
throughout the Bude Tour. His eye for detail, ear to the ground and nose
for the suspicious proved to be a great asset. He did have his moments though.
He was caught red handed "phoning Mummy" on the second day, stank
out the Judge's car all week with a bum odour a dung beetle would die for
and once again failed to bring any shampoo for birthday boy Davey G. His
biggest mistake was to give his brother, Marky Widd a steady supply of golf
balls at Royal North Devon. In hindsight, Andy Widd should have cut out
the middleman and just thrown the golf balls into the sea, pampas grass
and deep rough. Once again, Andy Widd easily held onto his title of having
the biggest testicles on tour, allegedly, or at least according to Timmsy.
Judge's Bude
2003 Champagne Moment |
| Pint sized trendsetter Mark Widdowson
(aka Marky Widd) provided his usual steady flow of income into
the Judge's grasp. His first afternoon low profile Vidal Sassoon encounter
with Paffer transformed this ordinary looking regular bloke into a mean
looking Rotweiller, but the fine cost him more than the haircut. Trouble
was that his new "hard man" image had no back up as he was fined
soon after for driving a buggy at Llanhydrock with no pants on, after the
serial de-bagger Cliffy had whipped them off. It got worse for the ferret
when he was caught "seeing a friend off to the coast" behind the
8th green. This discovery displeased the ferret as he thought he was well
camouflaged when squatting in the light rough to do his business. On a different
tack, my thanks go out to Marky Widd for the excellent way he maintained
the flow and momentum so important to make pub golf an enjoyable experience.
Judge's Bude
2003 Champagne Moment |
| The shy, retiring Boris Becker look-alike Stewart
Wilson (aka Wilse) was another stream of regular income for the
Bench in Bude. He started badly by allowing a sheep loving Welshman to down
a pint at Royal North Devon even before any beer had touched his lips. Unthinkable
!! To show his displeasure that evening, the gentle giant turned his frustration
on a stray empty cardboard box innocently but neatly placed in Bude High
Street. In an attempt to kick the box, Wilse administered one of his trademark
football "air shots" and ended up on his back in a heap on the
floor nursing numerous cuts and bruises. The box remained intact and untouched.
A sight I am sure would bring memories flooding back to any Kays or Archdales
footballer. However, Wilse had an even bigger shock to come. Whilst trying
to pry the Judge with extortionate drinks on the eve of the final round,
he soon found himself on the verge of blowing chunks himself after taking
receipt of a series of double whiskey's. Even when I thought it couldn't
get worse….it did. The tour party were greeted by frowning locals
when the party, along with the Strawberry Blonde entered a local hot spot.
Clearly displayed next to the likes of Billy Bowden, Ricky Rickford, Graham
Rickford and Colin Lawler (aka Hookey), Sugar Wilson became an addition
to the "banned from Bude pubs" role of honour. Wilse however did
redeem himself. During the final round, not only did he manage to fall over
after his tee shot on the 1st (which travelled a massive 2.36 yards), but
he clattered another wayward drive, not into a lake or deep rough as normal,
this time it whistled into luckless Timmsy. Just goes to show, the Judge
can get his own back in mysterious ways.
Judge's Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| The man of the moment, Birthday Boy
Dave Goodhall (aka Davey G) was the main reason for getting this
motley bunch of lawbreakers together, for which he received his most severe
fine. Not downhearted by being unable to remove Big D from the passenger
seat, Davey G set about enjoying his week as best he could. Unbelievably
being fined for having more hair than Marky Widd, the ex-resident of Stow-on-the-Wold
promptly joined Badger by getting the tour party lost on the way to Llanhydrock,
which cost him big again. After a shirt over the head rampage around the
bar after checking out 84 at darts, Davey G proceeded to have a good time,
but managed to evade the long arm of the law and the ever-present chief
creep. The chief creep however did exact revenge with the regular use of
his "alternative" alarm clock every morning. Smell you later as
they say. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Clearly without justification, the power's
that be insisted in actually putting the Judge (aka Willy
Will) in the dock. I reluctantly returned guilty pleads
for charges levelled against me such as smuggling vodka into my bedroom,
wearing a beach ball up my jumper, diluting vodka with Guinness and Tia
Maria, playing in the sea with Big D like a big kid and swearing at numerous
tour members and officials in Russian. Heathens. Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Before I conclude my report, a quick mention
for Sean Wilcock (aka Big Sean, aka Bargain Bucket) who
joined the party for the final two rounds of golf. Apart from the obvious
fines covering all versions of lateness, non-attendance and alike, Sean
rarely attended Court as he was too busy eating. He did push Mark Roscoe
for the "Biggest Beer Belly On Tour" title, so I expect a better
showing in Southport from the "big fellah" Judge's
Bude 2003 Champagne Moment |
| Until
next time………………….. |